Disappointment is a feeling with which everyone can relate. It is a feeling that can be felt by your dog when you fail to give it your steak and it is a feeling that can be felt when you drop your last chip on the floor. Regardless of context, disappointment is a feeling that always seems to leave contemplation in its wake. The amount of what if’s and how could’s that fleet around my brain upon an incident (especially food related) are immeasurable but no less annoying. However, a while ago, I watched a buddhist talk on ‘disappointment’. It said don’t have expectations because once they are met the happiness is short lived and when they aren’t met you’ll just be, there’s that word again, disappointed. Although, I think this makes complete and perfect sense, this “not-expecting” thing, is clearly easier said than done. For starters, it seems logical for someone to expect their burrito to remain in their hand until they have finished it. The burrito falling upon a stumble is totally unexpected and almost beyond their control so how can one refrain from being disappointed by the unexpected? I presume with great difficulty and much practice. Consequently, when not-expecting does not work events call for the disappointment remedy- a copy of Bridget Jones and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Also known as, ‘The Unrequited Love Starter Kit’.
The dawning that someone you may care for may no longer care for you is a revelation that has been dealt with by men and women alike for as long as time. It is an age-old problem that, no matter the frequency of its occurrence, never fails to leave you disenchanted or dis-empowered to the ways that be. Its side effects are difficult to swallow but the acceptance of defeat is an important one to make and, indeed, one that should be confronted sooner rather than later. Personally, the reality check is usually delivered by my mother. This generally means that the truth bomb comes well after I’ve done about 1001 things wrong and I’ve discussed my problems with half the world and a stranger. Nevertheless the honesty needs to be handled and handle it I shall. As my mother quite rightly said “he’s not that into me” and, strangely, I’ve accepted it. He’s not that into me and I don’t know why because, you know, I’m basically amazing. Ha okay, but honestly, you hardly ever know why. It’s part of rejection’s charm. It could have been the fart I emitted when I was sleeping or it could be the stress spots that have occupied my face (thank you exams). Who knows? I don’t know, but believe me I’ve thought.
Indeed, preceding the days of rejection, it is common practice to re-think about all the many many conversations you had with this person, to try and deliberate whether the answer lies within them. It usually doesn’t. Let’s be frank, he’s not going to decide he doesn’t like you based on the fact you’re not a fan of his favourite pokemon. Even if he had based his decision on this disagreement a) he seems like an idiot and b) you can’t take it back. The inability to re-do things, to edit your choices and reboot the mission is tormenting. It sucks, I know. But the likelihood is, if it wasn’t the Pokemon it would have been something else because if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. What is most often the case is that things just grind to a halt. Times move on and feelings change and although this is understandable and, even, unstoppable,you can’t help but feel slightly put out. No matter the reason for closure, it is impossible to not take it personally because, at the end of the day, it is. For whatever reason their feelings stopped or their motives changed and as a consequence, you didn’t fit the bill. You start to think there is something wrong with you and that there’s something you have to look out for in your next relationship. But stop. There isn’t. One man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure. What annoys one individual may enrapture another, Marmite’s a testament to this, so don’t think about changing- unless it’s for yourself and, well, your health. So many people think that they’re going to transform and envision their ex begging to have them back. It would be nice but it’s also unlikely. Leopards rarely change their spots. The fact of the matter is, you can only be yourself. You can only be yourself when you’re nervous. You can only be yourself when you’re intimidated and you can only be yourself when you’re happy. If you feel like you’re inhibited and can’t be you even after a few months, then seriously, they’re not right for you anyway.
Another problem that arises is the whole “but we’re not even dating so I shouldn’t be hurt” kerfuffle. Honey. Prince. Princess. Pull yourself together. You do feel hurt. So stop telling yourself you’re not allowed to be. You bloody are. I apologise for my blatant sassiness but, frankly, if you feel hurt then whoever has hurt you has done something prior to this incident to make you feel safe. I’m not dating my friend, Ellie, but if she abruptly stopped answering my messages, avoided eye-contact and started hanging around with someone else, I’d be upset. I’d be v upset. So don’t do that Ellie. Please? K cool. The fact of the matter is, a friendship and agreement in whatever form has been made. Even if it is a casual agreement. Whether it’s an ‘I’ll see you when I see you’ or a ‘friends with benefits’ agreement; an understanding exists between you. So, when someone makes the same agreement with another person or, actually, just doesn’t see you when they can see you and gives you little attention when they do, then it kind of sullies it? It’s like too many chefs spoil the broth or, really, you’re just being used and put on hold for when it’s convenient. If anything, casual agreements are infinitely more vexing, because, yes, the intimacy is great but fundamentally you are friends and the balance between chilled and keen interlock. Therefore, upon the end of it all, it makes the whole “I don’t want him to think I don’t like him but I don’t want him to think I like him” dilemma so much harder. The impulse is to remain acting like friends but then in doing so, a simple affectionate touch or friendly message could spark the whole “s**t they still like me” debacle or even the “s**t I still like them” appearance. I take my friendships very seriously, so it makes me exceptionally devastated when situations change. It makes me feel insignificant and this sassy sister is so significant. Hollah.
Used. There’s that phrase that makes every girls legs close and their eyebrows join their hairline. Used is the word that so often has me running for the hills that I have a little house there. One of my best friends has recently been used and, honestly, it’s not nice. It’s selfish. The aggravating thing about this situation is that, of course, you don’t know you’re being manipulated and, maybe, even the person doing it doesn’t realise either. Subjectivity is the devil’s advocate. Like sending someone messages may seem totally chill to me but seem totally keen to them. With relationships taking longer to kick in and the “seeing eachother” period stretching on for as long as the eye can see, it’s hard to conclude when you’re investing in something or just wasting your time. Like myself, my friend, likes to see the best in people, she likes to form her own opinions and she likes to believe that people are as honest as we are to them. Unfortunately, it’s not always the case. There are people that do things just because they can and in fact, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I have occasionally done the same. It’s empowering and naughty. There lies a difference, however, in the occasional flirtation with someone and the incessant encouragement to develop one’s feelings. If you have no intentions, don’t bother is my view on this. The distinct jump from kissing to there being so much distance you can see a vanishing point is degrading. Keeping someone as an understudy, isn’t okay. You’re keeping them from their own spectacular performance. Ha! Lame. I know. Just call me Bridget Jones and be done with it.
In conclusion, my ego is bruised but my optimism and forgiveness is not. Do I currently feel that boys are pricks? Well, yes, that’s a given but do I think this particular boy is a king-prick? Well, no. Of course, not. Honestly, I think he is a pretty fab guy and I find spending time with him exceptionally pleasant regardless. I feel like my annoyance stems from the fact, I want what I can’t have and I hate not getting what I want. I dislike the lack of romance in my life and I feel I now have to start all over again. As everyone is aware I detest anything that requires a huge amount of effort, therefore, starting again does not appeal to me presently. The thought of joining match.com has crossed my mind but then I figured I’m only 19 and I can wait. Even though it seems I won’t start a flame right now; I’m stupidly predatory and I know I will soon…
…after I’ve broken up with Ben and Jerry.
Just Polly Problems... 